| dark blue |
[21 Apr 2006|03:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 livid |
] |
right now he is dead to me.
i dont even know what to say im so pissed off.
I WANT TO SCREAM. and rip his heart out.
fuck it!
this might ruin my plans. whats the fucking point?
stupid me. i thought it was a good idea. UGH.
i cant sleep. its fucking 4 in the morning.
WONDERFUL!
i should call him and be like "its 4, fuck you".
i hate that i get like this. i dont even know, i just figured it out.
BUT HIS FUCKING STATUS TELLS ME ALL I NEED TO KNOW!
its the only fucking thing that matters. i fucking told him. I FUCKING TOLD HIM!
i flipped.
and ill probably regret that too.
oh fucking well.
|
|
| maybe too long is enough |
[10 Jul 2005|02:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
you can tell you have almost reached the end of the rope when the dependancy that almost didnt let you live wihtout each other lessens to hardly missing each other when apart.
|
|
| freak out |
[10 Oct 2004|06:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
being awake hurts.
there is never any point to what i say.
|
|
| for u |
[25 Aug 2004|01:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
I took a walk today
I got three blisters on my feet
I went as fast as I could
All I was thinking of was you.
|
|
| stale taste |
[30 Jul 2004|09:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
this feeling i dont know what it is.
it has been here for a few months now.
its only when i leave juan, the sig. other, it rises into my body and takes control.
oh laughter.
take me in.
|
|
| ooww |
[31 Mar 2004|09:00pm] |
pain pain pain.
lungs feel like im breathing in stones.
guts feel like they are spilling into my throat.
eyes feel like they are being stabbed with toothpicks.
pain pain pain.
shhh.
|
|
| fuck u |
[14 Mar 2004|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
i just love how he can make me feel like shit about something i have no control over at all.
i just love how he can make me hate myself because of something i have no control over at all.
i just love it.
i just love it.
i just love to bleed.
|
|
| bad week |
[14 Feb 2004|11:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
why does my gut tell me this is gonna be the worst valentines day ever?
JigmoTronic: vday sucks
you dont know what i go through on this end.
|
|
| not working |
[11 Feb 2004|11:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
this isnt working.
|
|
| looo looooooo oh loo loooooo, loo for you you, loo for you you |
[08 Feb 2004|11:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
i refuse to say it first.
i refuse to tell u the truth.
|
|
|
[27 Jan 2004|01:15am] |
|
get tested for being alergic to the sun.
|
|
| the things i do |
[23 Jan 2004|09:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Carmella Apple: im really sorry im feeling selfish about this whole thing because i love u a lot
l holly hox l: what whole thing?
l holly hox l: and i love u too =)
Carmella Apple: this thing in ur journal
l holly hox l: no biggie
l holly hox l: how are you
Carmella Apple: im ok
Carmella Apple: lots of school
l holly hox l: ugh hold on, im gettiing sick
Carmella Apple: ok <3
l holly hox l: sorry about that
Carmella Apple: np
Carmella Apple: the english boy still with u?
l holly hox l: not anymore
l holly hox l: he hasnt been for a very long time
Carmella Apple: o what happened with that
l holly hox l: juan still with youuuu?
Carmella Apple: i thought he was staying for a year?
Carmella Apple: yeeeah
l holly hox l: nah, he wanted to go home
l holly hox l: aw thats good
Carmella Apple: oh
Carmella Apple: and u work these days?
l holly hox l: yes
Carmella Apple: nice
l holly hox l: but i dont know how long thats going to last
Carmella Apple: can me and nick come see u tonight?
l holly hox l: i wouold say yes, but i havent slept in 2 days and i dont feel very good, i dont want people seeing me like this
Carmella Apple: awww
l holly hox l: i start chemo tomorrow =(
Carmella Apple: i bet u look gorgeous
l holly hox l: haha not really
Carmella Apple: yes u have to i dont think u could ever look bad
l holly hox l: youd be suprised lol
Carmella Apple: ugh, im sorry to just ask this, but does that mean ur hair will fall out?
l holly hox l: haha thats the first thing i asked.
l holly hox l: its..
l holly hox l: a very likely possibility
Carmella Apple: well, if it does, can i have a piece?
l holly hox l: lol i love you
l holly hox l: yes
Carmella Apple: YESS
Carmella Apple: <3
l holly hox l: but then ill get to wear awesome different wigs everyday
Carmella Apple: and be hott
l holly hox l: i cant smoke cloves anymore =(
Carmella Apple: i always wanted to wear tons of wigs
Carmella Apple: o that sucks
l holly hox l: theyre expensive.
Carmella Apple: but at least ur lungs will be able to breathe
l holly hox l: this is true
Carmella Apple: well if nick stays in town, and u get ur beauty rest, maybe we can pop by tomorrow?
l holly hox l: yes ma'am
l holly hox l: i work at 4
Carmella Apple: i really need to give u this xmas gift before its next xmas
l holly hox l: which im not sure if ill be up for, getting chemo will make me sick
l holly hox l: oh yeah
l holly hox l: i need to give you yours as well
Carmella Apple: what time are u getting it?
l holly hox l: in the morning sometime
Carmella Apple: i bet u wont wanna see people after that either
l holly hox l: ah, you two i will =)
Carmella Apple: heeere how about u do this chemo thing and u get rested and stuff and nick and i will visit u like thursday
l holly hox l: are you sure?
Carmella Apple: yeah
l holly hox l: okay
l holly hox l: =) i miss you guys
l holly hox l: and katie as well
l holly hox l: and chase and brian
Carmella Apple: <3<3<3
l holly hox l: ::sad::
Carmella Apple: i miss them all!
Carmella Apple: i finally saw katie last night like out of school
l holly hox l: how is she?
Carmella Apple: shes super
Carmella Apple: did u know shes dating kyle?
l holly hox l: yes, it's crazy!
Carmella Apple: they are sooo cute
Carmella Apple: and hes so good to her
Carmella Apple: i really like him
l holly hox l: aw thats awesome
Carmella Apple: yep
Carmella Apple: and i havent seen chase in months
Carmella Apple: and i dont plan on seeing him ever
l holly hox l: ohhh...not good terms?
Carmella Apple: nah
Carmella Apple: its just his pot thing
l holly hox l: :-(
Carmella Apple: he keeps making promises and not keeping them
Carmella Apple: he hangs with the emo girls now
l holly hox l: stupid emo girls
Carmella Apple: hehe
l holly hox l: all they do is get drunk
l holly hox l: and be..
l holly hox l: gay
Carmella Apple: slutty
Carmella Apple: what grade are u?
l holly hox l: 11
Carmella Apple: so ur going to prom then?
l holly hox l: yep
Carmella Apple: woo
l holly hox l: im getting my dress made
Carmella Apple: kool
Carmella Apple: me and nick are hoping to go
l holly hox l: aw
l holly hox l: but of course.
Carmella Apple: yaa
Carmella Apple: but we rely on kaitlyn and dani for that
Carmella Apple: and i cant wait till thats over with
l holly hox l: are you wearing the dress you bought at sa?
Carmella Apple: probably
l holly hox l: awesome
l holly hox l: very hot dress
Carmella Apple: yow
Carmella Apple: unless i can come up with something even better
Carmella Apple: but i dono its a good dress
l holly hox l: mines like...flowy black silk, made to fit me and in the back it looks like a corset but with red silk ribbon and il have red gloves
l holly hox l: im excited
Carmella Apple: ooooo
Carmella Apple: OH GET a red CURRRRLY wig for that!
Carmella Apple: god that would be hott
Carmella Apple: looong curls
l holly hox l: lol i wont be bald by april.
l holly hox l: lol
Carmella Apple: damn
Carmella Apple: cuz it would be hott
l holly hox l: ill have long hair by then
l holly hox l: ill dye it red and curl it myself
Carmella Apple: ya
Carmella Apple: wow u could totally do any thing with ur hair right now
Carmella Apple: ANY THING
l holly hox l: nah
l holly hox l: my hairs oogly
Carmella Apple: whatever
Carmella Apple: its so pretty
Carmella Apple: i want ur hair
l holly hox l: you can have it
Carmella Apple: im so jealous! u wrote to expect to lose weight! ugh u get all the cool things
l holly hox l: hahaha
l holly hox l: youre so funny
Carmella Apple: thats so wrong, the people who dont need these things get it, like katie with prom queen... she hates that... i totally would flaunt that
Carmella Apple: im so serious holly u dont even know
l holly hox l: lol
Carmella Apple: ya if i could id go through this for u
l holly hox l: aw
Carmella Apple: hey its not an aw thing, id do it for myself lol
Carmella Apple: ok ya id do it for u too
l holly hox l: lol
Carmella Apple: but a huge part for myself
l holly hox l: understood
l holly hox l: but you dont need to lose weight
l holly hox l: youre so sexy
l holly hox l: stop it
Carmella Apple: ya so i better not hear any complaining from u
Carmella Apple: ha
Carmella Apple: o sometimes holly, ur just so funny
l holly hox l: but i dont lieeee
Carmella Apple: hehe
Carmella Apple: <3
|
|
| i dont... ugh |
[13 Jan 2004|11:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
jZeroCoolj: that night at scotts when you were taking shots and everyone thought you were all badass... I did too for a while, but then i just kinda realized that wasnt quite it. thats why i shut you off, because i care about you, Gabz. You really dont remember me pulling you out from scotts desk? you had this tie around your neck and you kept pulling on it... i pulled you out and took the tie off, andput you in bed with nikki. i dunno what the point of saying that was, but i just want you to know i care about you a lot and if you ever need anything that you think i can help with, dont hesitate to ask me
|
|
| every fucking time, every fucking day, learn to swim |
[05 Jan 2004|03:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angry |
] |
i guess i have this thing where i fuck EVERYTHING up. and i dont even know this fucking up is happening. then im not told how to fix the fucking up or how to not fuck up.
i am a total fuck up and dont blame me because YOU CANT TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THESE FUCK UPS!
all i have to say.
|
|
| dont want to meet your daddy |
[19 Dec 2003|03:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
sinking sad feeling... about missing juan. i hate how i always get a boy at the bad times.
but i love having this boy.
|
|
| bloody body |
[19 Dec 2003|10:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
lets slit my throat.
|
|
| lets sum it up. |
[16 Dec 2003|07:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
LessThanKate93: ugh, they're boys!
|
|
| she would hold me until we both died. |
[08 Dec 2003|12:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sevendust - xmas day |
] |
bad mood.
|
|
| arrgg |
[02 Dec 2003|10:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
im just a little sometimes STUPID!
|
|
| peanut butter jelly |
[29 Nov 2003|12:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
2 days left:
6)clean room
7)clean desk and area around desk
8)develop film
9)work more on shelves
10)burn some music
13)work on getting done with that drug/alcohol class
15)target
ehh.. nick is helping me some today. and i am adding to the list:
stocking stuffer shopping, and any thing else i can find for people for xmas. and do speech.
and the weather is so great. nick and i are going to the beach!!
juan rox.
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|